Two days ago I experienced an aura, the initial symptom of a migraine headache, when I get partial vision followed by a headache. Not again! The bus I was on was driving past the Arts Centre. I got off the bus and headed for the Poetry Library where I was going to wait for the aura to pass. In the meantime, I heard a Voice repeating the following:
“There is nothing to lose or gain from this experience.” <>
After a few minutes, I stepped over the threshold into the space of silence. This Silence was different from the silence I consciously cultivate. This Silence was inevitable as I appeared to have lost all sense of logic. I tried to read the words from a book I had but they were meaningless words. I had also lost all sense of my world. I didn’t know where I was. I was completely empty. I sat there for what seemed like hours, even though it was only about an hour, and waited for my vision to clear. I could feel pain in my stomach, signifying diarrhoea and nausea, part and parcel of the belief of having a migraine. Before I left the building I paid a visit to the ladies. I was, however, very determined not to be sick.
I needed to have some semblance of logic before catching my buses home. I got on the first bus that came along. I felt as if I was going to pass out but I kept reminding myself that “I am Energy.” I figured if I didn’t think I wouln’t feel sick. It worked. Finally, when I got off my last bus there was still another ten minutes walk home. I was too weak to move, too weak to wait for a taxi. There was only one thing to do – let Energy take me home. I can’t remember how I got home, I just knew I arrived home, dumped my jacket and bag and collapsed on the sofa, where I didn’t move for a few hours. Of course by the next day I was back to my usual self.
What I found interesting about the experience was that I had connected to another part of me. Is it possible that the energy was so intense that I couldn’t translate it in human terms; or do I translate the energy as heat, sickness, headache, nausea etc? When I practised energy healing, we were warned about the power of the energy that can cause sickness but I never could buy into it. How could Love do any harm? Now I think my teacher had a point. It is not that the Energy means any harm, it is how one interprets the Energy that can cause harm. During the whole experience, I was in a split state of mind. Part of me was experiencing the various symptoms as agreed by medicine which threatened to consume me. On the other hand, when I contemplated the Energy as my identity, the nausea vanished. Eventually the headache was healed.
During the experience, I tried to write down my thoughts at the time. When the words and the world meant nothing, I wrote:
“What is important to the is instantaneous it is what is there is.”
Minutes later I wrote:
“You cannot lose them nor can there you gain anything.”
Finally, it became a lot more lucid:
“There is nothing to lose nor is there anything to gain.”
I also wrote: “I am Zerus and from kindrance.”
Later I interpreted this as coming from the planet Zerus where I have a kindrance. Kindrance is not a word I have ever used. I found reference to the word “kindrance” in the poem “In God’s Wood” by Tom Atterberry:
“I began to feel alone
all around now there were people
in a hurry, going nowhere
but my heart was back in the country
I have a kindrance there
Someday soon I will go again
and I would live there if I could
for I feel so at peace
Out there in God’s Woods”
It would seem that the migraine was an exploration of consciousness. As long as I don’t judge the experience as good/bad, that “there is nothing to gain or lose,” I can simply go with the ride and see what happens. Would I choose to experience another migraine? Of course not! Perhaps, I shouldn’t call it “migraine” but a way of expressing self. Besides, I now know how to handle the side-effects of migraine by realising my identity as Energy.
It seems to me that Consciousness speaks and expresses in many languages and forms. It is up to me how I interpret the various expressions of consciousness.
I am Consciousness exploring Consciousness,
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